Let's do some music links

You can check out a big honkin' list of the walk in music you might hear on Springsteen's latest tour. There's some really great stuff on that list. I think if I were paying the amount of money it takes to see Springsteen live, I'd demand to get a copy of that collection of walk in songs too.

Here's a story about The Decemberists where Colin Meloy gives a lot of credit to Robyn Hitchcock. "He's created a world that is unique to himself, using a vernacular that he has created. I feel I've kind of modelled my approach on what he has done." I can't wait to see them in September.

If you need an mp3 of Rose and Dorothy singing "Miami, You've Got Style" you can download Meet the Golden Girls. Side note: there is an old tape somewhere at Bobby's house that has Amy and her cousin Tish singing "Miami, You've Got Style". That's good stuff.

Ryan Adams, you so crazy.

Remember me talking way too much about the Rhino 90s boxset? Well, pitchfork has reviewed it here.

Berny! Berni! Bernie! Has Done It Again

In the words of Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive, "My, my, my, what a mess." Bernard Goldberg is still having a hard time making his case against who is ruining America and how they are doing it. Crooks and Liars have another clip of Bernie Goldberg demonstrating how weak he is at selling his point when not surrounded by friends at Fox. Again, I'm going to stick up for him just a bit here. It must be incredibly hard to go on a show stacked 5 people deep who are ideologically opposed to you and your book and make a good case for yourself........ but still Bernie is on the defensive from the word go. And again, what's so polite about saying shut up repeatedly? It seems Bernie is out to attack rudeness and obscenities, but doesn't seem to understand that being rude in the process is not helping his case. I have a feeling if Bernard Goldberg wrote a book sticking up for animal rights he'd hit the talk show circuit wearing a fur-lined leather coat and chomping on a Big Mac between his holier than thou replies to the interviewers and talking heads.

Even without Bernard Goldberg that clip is still funny though. Who watches this crap? Why is people screaming at each other still passing for serious debate? You could say that this is some fringe show on the fringiest of the cable news channels, but it seems to me that this is the format used on all the news channels. It's been nearly a year since a certain someone went on a certain show that doesn't exist anymore and claimed, "You're hurting America." I realize that certain someone is a comedian who went on to call one of the co-host of that show a dick, but it's hard not to agree with him. As long as the "powerful people" use this format of shouting rote talking points at each other to discuss the major issues of the day, people are going to think those issues carry the same importance as anything else people argue about. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think abortion or war or classified information leaks should be discussed on television in the same manner I discuss the merits of Exile on Main St. with my friends at home. A simple flip down the cable dial will show you that's how it's done though. If you turn down the volume and take away the graphics, you'd be hard pressed to figure out the difference between Hannity and Colmes (FNC), Around the Horn (ESPN), Movie Club with John Ridley (AMC), or whatever red carpet fashion review that Joan Rivers is hosting on whatever network she works for now. They're all debating, they're all animated, and they're all vapidly spewing out clichés. I guess Bernard Goldberg didn't want to own up to how this phenomenon is screwing up America because then he'd have no avenue to promote the book (which is currently #2 over at amazon). That's probably why things will never change. Each side will just get louder and louder because both sides think volume and fanaticism is all it takes to prove them the victor regardless of the merit of their ideas. We've got to stop them. If you don't think they are hurting America like Jon Stewart claims, they are at the very least hurting me. I think we should assemble an "all-star" panel of crazy politicians, wacky religious figures, and talking heads from all over and put them on the ultimate debating panel. Let them start out with some typical topics and when they have all worked up a good sweat from trying to out talk each other, we spring the final topic on them: Television Debate, Does It Accomplish Anything? There'll be a short period of silence before someone finally thinks of something to say to stick up for their profession. Then someone who doesn't like that first person will take the opposing side just out of spite and before you know it they'll all be screaming at each other. Here's the kicker though: all the while they will all secretly be on the same side of the issue because they all get off on the screaming and the name-calling and for some of them it's their only source of income. They’ve got to protect their jobs after all. This verbal cage match will reach such a hypocritical and paradoxical cacophony that eventually their heads will explode thus freeing us from their horrible, hateful, and (listen up, Mr. Goldberg) rude ways. We can call the panel, "100 People Who Are Screwing Up Our Hearing."

One last note: If while promoting his book Bernard Goldberg makes it onto The Tonight Show, The Late Show, or Late Night (and I can only hope that he does), I sure hope the band plays The White Stripes song "I'm Finding It Harder to Be a Gentleman" for his intro.

100 Years...100 Movie Quotes...100 Trivial Objections, Part 2B

Ghost World

"Why, sir. Do you not know that for a mere twenty-five cents more you can get a large beverage? You know, I'm only telling you this because we're such good friends. Medium is really for suckers who don't know the meaning of value."

Glengary Glen Ross

“We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired.”

GoodFellas

“I’m funny how? I mean funny like a clown, I amuse you? Funny how? How am I funny?”

The Grapes of Wrath

“I’ll be all around in the dark. I’ll be wherever you can look. Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Whenever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry an’ they know supper’s ready. And when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise, and living in the houses they build, I’ll be there, too.”

Grosse Point Blank

“I was hired to kill you, but I’m not going to do it. It’s either because I’m in love with your daughter or I have a new found respect for life.”

Groundhog Day

“This is the one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.”

Grumpier Old Men

“There may be lots of fish in the sea, Maria, but you’re the only one I’d like to mount over my fireplace.”

High Anxiety

“Dinner is served promptly at eight in the private dining room. Those who are late do not get fruit cup.”

High Fidelity

“Do I listen to pop music because I’m miserable? Or am I miserable because I listen to pop music?"

“I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14. And you know what, I’m starting to think my gut has shit for brains.”

History of the World Part One

“Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!”

“It’s good to be the king.”

“Don’t get saucy with me, Bernaise.”

“The only thing we Romans don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation. But I hear that’s coming quickly!”

I'm Gonna Git You Sucka

“How much for just one rib?”

“My bitch better have my money, through rain, sleet, or snow.”

I Love You to Death

“If we keep shooting Joey won’t he get suspicious?”

Inherit the Wind

“As long as the prerequisite for that shining paradise is ignorance, bigotry and hate, I say the hell with it.”

The Jerk

“I was born a poor black child.”

“Lord loves a working man. Don’t trust whitey.”

“The new phone book’s here! The new phone book’s here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes me somebody! Things are going to start happening now.”

“There’s something I want to say that’s always been difficult for me to say--I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.”

Kentucky Fried Movie

“I’m not wearing any pants. Film at eleven.”

“The popcorn you’re eating has been pissed in. Film at eleven.”

“Moscow in flames, missiles headed for New York. More at eleven.”

“Should premature ejaculation occur, the Joy of Sex album comes equipped with BIG JIM SLADE!”

“Despite millions of dollars in research, death continues to be our nation’s number one killer.”

Leaving Las Vegas

“I came here to drink myself to death.”

“I am a drunk, and you’re a hooker. I am a person who is totally at ease with this.”

Love and Death

“I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, what did he charge for book shelves?”

“I shall walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. In fact, I shall run through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, ‘cause you get out of the valley quicker that way.”

Love Jones

“I also said the Commodores would get back together. I mean who knew?”

Mallrats

“Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.”

Manhattan

“I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”

“You’re self-esteem is like a notch below Kafka’s.”

“What are you telling me, that you’re, you’re, you’re gonna leave Emily, is this true? And, and run away with the, the, the winner of the Zelda Fitzgerald emotional maturity award?”

“I could tell by the sound of your voice on the phone. Very authoritative, y’know. Like the pope, or the computer in 2001.”

Manhattan Murder Mystery

“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

Mars Attacks!

“I want the American people to know that they still have two of out three branches of the government working for them and that ain’t bad.”

Memento

“She’s gone and the past is trivia that I scribble on these fucking notes.”

Mighty Aphrodite

“I wish I had the penicillin concession in your apartment. I’d be wealthy.”

Money Talks

“I don’t even know when I’m gonna’ slap somebody. My reflexes just slap people. I be like, ‘Damn! Why did I do that?’ ... I’m dangerous. I’m scarred of myself. They call me Snap and Pop, because I snap and I will pop your ass in the mouth. Don’t mess with me, man. You better watch your back; better watch your goddamn back. Even in the shower or eatin’ at a picnic, you better watch your goddamn back.”

Monkey Business

“Oh, I realize it’s a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I’ve worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“Why can’t we break away from all of this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills.”

Monty Python's Life of Brian

“All right, but apart from sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, the fresh water system, and public health. What have the Romans ever done for us?”

Moulin Rouge

“Luckily, right at that moment, an unconscious Argentinean fell through my roof. He was quickly joined by a dwarf dressed as a nun.”

Mystery Men

“We’ve got a date with Destiny—and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster.”

The Naked Gun

“Same old story. Boy finds girl. Boy loses girl. Girl finds boy. Boy forgets girl. Boy remembers girl. Girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.”

National Lampoon's Vacation

“I don’t know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper. It does just fine by its self.”

National Lampoon's European Vacation

“Look, kids. Big Ben. Parliament.”

A Night at the Opera

“You can’t fool me, there ain’t no Sanity clause!”

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

“Well, ain’t this place a geographical oddity? Two weeks from everywhere.”

“Oh, George, not the livestock!”

“Them sirens loved him up and turned him into a horny toad!”

The Odd Couple

“I can’t take it anymore, Felix. I’m crackin’ up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. I told you 158 times, I cannot stand little notes on my pillow! ‘We’re all out of cornflakes. F.U.’ It took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Unger.”

The Picture of Dorian Gray

“To get back my youth, I’d do anything in the world--except get up early, take exercise, or be respectable.”

Play It Again, Sam

“What are you doing Saturday night?”
“Committing suicide.”
“What are you doing Friday night?”

“I’m turning into an aspirin junkie. Next thing you know I’ll be boiling the cotton at the top of the bottle to get the extra.”

“I was incredible last night in bed. I never once had to sit up and consult the manual.”

The Princess Bride

“As you wish.”

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

“Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.”

“You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia.”

“Inconceivable!”

“You keep using that word. I don’t think you know what it means.”

The Procucers

“A week?! Are you kidding? This play has to close on page four!”

“Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings, we are only seeing singing Hitlers.”

Pulp Fiction

“Don’t be telling me about foot massages--I’m the foot fucking master.”

“Shit, Negro. That’s all you had to say.”

“My name’s Pit, and your ass ain’t talkin’ your way outta this shit.”

“That’s cool and the gang.”

“Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know because I’d never eat the filthy motherfucker.”

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance up on you.”

“It’s the one that says, ‘Bad Motherfucker’ on it.”

“Well, let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.”

“I’m gonna call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin’ niggas, who’ll go to work on homes here with a blow torch and a pair of pliers. Hear me talkin’, hillbilly boy?! I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’m gonna get Medieval on your ass.”

“You ain’t my friend, palooka.”

“That’s when you know you got someone special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute, and comfortably share silence.”

“Aww, man. I shot Marvin in the face.”

“I’m American, our names don’t mean shit.”

“Zed’s dead, baby, Zed’s dead.”

Raging Bull

“He’s a pretty kid, too. I mean, I don’t know, I got a problem. Should I fuck ‘em or fight ‘em?”

Raising Arizona

“I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got.”

Reservoir Dogs

“Let’s get a taco.”

“You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.”

The Royal Tenenbaums

“Is it dark?”
“Of course it’s dark. It’s a suicide note.”

“Anyone want to get some cheeseburgers and hit the cemetery?”

The Shawshank Redemption

“I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I’d like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.”

Sixteen Candles

“I can’t believe I gave my panties to a geek.”

A Slight Case of Murder

“If you’re going to commit a murder, and I don’t recommend it. One thing you should definitely not do is sleep with the investigating officer’s wife. It just makes for a lot of unnecessary complications.”

Sling Blade

“I can’t so much as drink a glass of water around a midget or a piece of antique furniture.”

"I like them French fried potaters."

So I Married an Axe Murderer

“Jane, get me off this crazy thing... called love.”

"We got a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down."

South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?”

Superman

“You’ve got me? Who’s got you?”

Superman II

“Kneel before Zod!”

This Is Spinal Tap

“It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.”

"Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump"."

"This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, 'What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?'"

"It's like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black."

True Romance

“I feel really goofy saying this, after only knowing you one night and me being a call girl and all, but I think I love you.”

The Truman Show

“Maybe I’m going out of my mind, but I get the feeling that the world revolves around me somehow.”

Unforgiven

“Hell, I thought I was dead til I found out I was just in Nebraska.”

The Usual Suspects

“Keaton once said, ‘I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.’ Well, I believe in God and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.”

"A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself."

Waiting for Guffman

“We consider ourselves bi-coastal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.”

“I got the entertaining bug from my Grandfather, Chaim Prolgutt, who was a legend in the Yiddish Theatre. His claim to fame was his role in the famous and sardonically irreverent review ‘Dibbick Schmibbick! I Said More Ham!’ which was a very popular review. Incidentally, the song ‘Bubby Made a Kishka’ also came from that review.”

“Medicine man not go near dances with stumpy.”

Welcome to the Dollhouse

“High school’s better than junior high. They’ll still call you names, but not as much to your face.”

What's Up, Tiger Lilly?

“Death and danger are my various breads and various butters.”

“It is written that he who has the best egg salad shall rule of heaven and earth.”

Wonder Boys

“That’s a big trunk. It fits a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.”

"That's just what they used to say in the ads."

“She was a junkie for the printed word. Lucky for me, I manufactured her drug of choice.”

"She's a transvestite."

"You're stoned."

"She's still a transvestite."

Young Frankenstein

“There wolf. There castle.”

“Put the candle back!”

"Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?"

"Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban."

"What knockers!"

The End

One Complete Fuckwad I Saw on TV Last Night (and it was Bernard Goldberg)

I don't know how many of you saw The Daily Show last night, but if you didn't catch the rerun today (or you can see the interview segment over at crooks and liars). I was looking forward to the interview with Bernard Goldberg because he's someone that fascinates me. I was aware of his name from his book Bias. Then at some point I made the connection that he was one of the guys on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.

Real Sports is a great show. I'd say it's the absolute best sports show on TV, but I've been told repeatedly that "it's not TV, it's HBO." Regardless, I've never seen a better sports show in my life and doubt I ever will. Furthermore, it's the show with the strongest journalistic integrity out there. The fact that it's a sports show on a premium, subscription cable channel is a sad comment on the quality of televised news shows. Anyway, watching Real Sports is always something I look forward to. Each story covered is done in a way that is entertaining, informative, and thought provoking. It's also rare that you can detect an agenda in any of the stories, although I have occasionaly. That's not to say that those have been bad stories. I think they came off as agenda-ish because of the passion for the story that the reporter carries. One other thing that I love about the show is that there aren't any puff pieces. No stories are done purely to promote a book or a movie and no stories are done that are completely trivial or prurient.

There is one story that seems out of place in the entire Real Sports oeuvre and it's one that was done by Bernard Goldberg. Mr. Goldberg did the story of the highest paid stud horse in the world of horse breeding. It is this story that I kept thinking of as Mr. Goldberg tried to make his case against what he sees as the contemptible state of television and culture in general on The Daily Show last night. It's hard to take his allegations of luridness against the likes of Barbara Streisand, rappers, and Chevy Chase (yep, Chevy Chase!) seriously when you've seen Mr. Goldberg on TV, excuse me, on HBO stand 10 feet back of two horses fucking...for money no less. You see, Mr. Goldberg did his story of the number one equestrian gigolo in a manner that, while entertaining and even informative, wasn't exactly what I'd call the standard Real Sports quality and this seems to be what he is battling with his new book, 100 People Who Are Screwing Up America (and Al Franken is #37). He is talking about a culture war where, in his words, we are getting "angrier, nastier, and more vulgar." I just found it funny that the only time Real Sports has come close to getting vulgar, it was at the hands of Mr. Goldberg. Also, if one of your main points is civility why does he use the phrase "screwing up" in the title of his book and why is he pointing his finger at 100 specific people and say they are "screwing up" the country?

I should say that I happen to like Bernard Goldberg. Well, I like him as much as you can like a media figure you've never met but you still admire their work on a sports journalism show, all the while only agreeing with him a marginal amount of the time. This goodwill I have toward him was shaken the instant I saw the cover of his new book earlier this year. Not so much because I don't think I'd like it or agree with much of it (although that is probably true), but because it just seems to be a hollow, bleak, cash-grab of a book aimed at a specific demographic. That is beneath him or at least beneath what I thought of him as a journalist. I thought Bias was heartfelt. Regardless of where I think the real bias lies in television news, it seemed to me, in the parts of Bias that I read before having to return it to the library, that Mr. Goldberg was rational and passionate about what he was writing. You can get passion on topics in a ton of places, but its rarely worth anything without the rational part and that (and his work on Real Sports) is why I began to like the guy. Granted you can't (or shouldn't) judge a book by its cover, but click on that link above and look at the cover of 100 People. Just looking at the 8 pictures it's hard not to come away with a clear idea of what side of the political isle the author sits or the crowd he is trying to attract with his book. We won't even touch the fact that the "and Al Franken is #37" is actually part of the book's title! I'm strangely disappointed in Bernard Goldberg over this book. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's almost personal somehow. I thought he'd somehow win me over again with his Daily Show appearance last night, but not so much. I realize it's got to be hard to make your case with Jon Stewart cracking jokes every 10 seconds, but I thought he could do it. The points he did manage to make didn't really resonate with me. That's why I've called him a fuckwad in this post's title. If he's trying to prove the culture is vulgar and mean and can't seem to make his case very well, then I'll try to help him out a bit because I still have a smidge of that goodwill for him hanging around.

100 Years...100 Movie Quotes...100 Trivial Objections, Part 2A

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

“Just what this country needs: a cock in a frock on a rock.”

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: ‘No more fucking ABBA!’”

All the President's Men

“Nothing’s riding on this except the First Amendment, the freedom of the press, and maybe the future of the country.”

Almost Famous

“I am a Golden God!”

“Rock stars have kidnapped my son.”

Amazon Women on the Moon

“Did you know that every 8 minutes, a black person is born in this country without soul?”

American Beauty

“That’s my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That’s not an accident.”

“Today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.”

Analyze This

“I wasn’t really gonna’ whack ya’... All right maybe I was gonna’ whack you. But I was real conflicted about it.”

Animal Crackers

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas? I don’t know.”

“You are going Uruguay, and I’m going my way.”

Antz

“The middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention.”

“Well, trouble’s my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don’t want you spreading that around.”

“Why don’t we just try to influence their political process with campaign contributions?”

“There you have it: your basic boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-the-underlying-social-order story.”

Arsenic and Old Lace

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops!”

As Good As It Gets

“Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad, just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.”

Bananas

“This trial is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. I move for a mistrial, do you realize there’s not a single homosexual on that jury?”

Barton Fink

“We all want it to have that Barton Fink feeling. I mean, I guess we all have that Barton Fink feeling, but since you’re Barton Fink, I’m assuming you have it in spades.”

Beetlejuice

“Well, I attended Julliard. I’m a graduate of the Harvard Business school. I travel quite frequently. I lived through the Black Plague and I had a pretty good time during that. I’ve seen The Exorcist about 167 times and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it!”

“Nice fucking model!”

Being John Malkovich

“Nobody’s looking for a puppeteer in today’s wintry economic climate.”

“Behind the stubble and the top prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing.”

“Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.”

Best in Show

“Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?"

“And to think in some countries these dogs are eaten.”

Better Off Dead

“I want my two dollars.”

The Big Lebowski

“I’m not Mr. Lebowski. You’re Mr. Lebowski. I’m the Dude, so that’s what you call me. That, or His Dudeness or Duder or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”

“Hey, careful, man! There’s a beverage here!”

“You cannot fuck with the Jesus!”

“I told that kraut a fucking thousand times I don’t roll on Shabbos.”

The Birdcage

“Oh! I’ve pierced the toast!”

“You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!”

Blazing Saddles

“If you shoot him, you’ll just make him mad.”

“You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land; the common clay of the new West. You know...morons.”

“Mongo only pawn...in game of life.”

“They said you was hung!”
“And they was right!”

“Excuse my while I whip this out.”

“Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property--the rightful owners.”

Blue Velvet

“What are you doing in my closet, Jeffrey Beaumont?”

The Brady Bunch Movie

“Put on your Sunday best, kids; we’re going to Sears.”

Bringing Out the Dead

“I came to realize that my work was less about saving lives than about bearing witness. I was a grief mop.”

Broadway Danny Rose

“I don’t wanna badmouth the kid, but he’s a horrible, immoral louse. And I say that with all due respect.”

Bull Durham

“Don’t think. It can only hurt the ball club.”

“Strikeouts are boring, besides that, they’re fascist.”

“I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your Christmas Presents on Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

“The world was made for people who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.”

“A guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay.”

“I’d never sleep with a player hitting under .250 unless he had a lot of RBIs or was a great glove man up the middle. A woman’s got to have standards.”

“Walt Whitman once said, ‘I see great things in baseball. It’s our game. The American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us.’ You could look it up.”

“Candlesticks.”

Cabin Boy

“Gosh, you’re cute. Wanna’ buy a monkey?”

“I just don’t get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness!”

Chasing Amy

“Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw.”

Christmas Vacation

“We’re going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas, since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny-fucking-Kaye!”

“If I woke up tomorrow with my face sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.”

“Shitter’s full.”

City Slickers

“If that were as interesting as baseball, they’d have cards for it and sell it with gum.”

Clerks

“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers.”

“I’m not even supposed to be here today!”

Coal Miner's Daughter

“Woman, if you want to keep that arm, you better get it off my husband.”

The Court Jester

“I’ve got it! I’ve got it! The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?”

Crimes and Misdemeanors

“The last time I was inside a woman is when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”

“What is this guy so upset about? You’d think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before.”

“It’s my one love letter... I plagiarized most of it from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all of the references to Dublin.”

“Show business is dog eat dog. It’s worse than dog eat dog. It’s dog doesn’t return other dog’s phone calls.”

A Day at the Races

“It’s the old story: Boy meets girl, Romeo and Juliet, Minneapolis and St. Paul.”

“If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.”

“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

“My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.”

“I hadn’t seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of The Murdered Girl With Big Tits.”

“Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you.”

Dirty Dancing

"Nobody puts baby in the corner."

Dogma

“See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there’s all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude’s asses because they’re all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob, ‘Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois!’ So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got there you know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!”

Drugstore Cowboy

“People use drugs to relieve the pressures of their everyday life--like having to tie their shoes.”

Duck Soup

“I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.”

“Gentlemen, Chiccolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth.”
“I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll take five and ten in Woolworth’s.”

“We’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is more than she ever did.”

Eve's Bayou

“The summer I killed my father, I was ten years old.”

Everyone Says I Love You

“I’m through with love and through with all you motherfuckers.”

“Steffi, bring down a copy of my will and an eraser, okay?”

“She was also a heroin addict, but I thought it was insulin.”

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)

“I must think of something quickly, because before you know it the Renaissance will be here and we will all be painting.”

“TB or not TB, that is congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough, of cough. But it takes a lung, lung time.”

The Evil Dead

“We can’t bury Sharon. She’s our friend.”

Fargo

“I guess that was your accomplice in the, ah, wood chipper.”

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

“Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone?”

Fight Club

“This chick Marla Singer did not have testicular cancer. She was a liar.”

Five Easy Pieces

“Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich and you haven’t broken any rules.”

Four Weddings and a Funeral

“It’s Brigadoon, it’s bloody Brigadoon!”

“You know, there’s nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection.”

“In the words of David Cassidy, in fact, when he was still with the Partridge Family, I think I love you.”

Friday

“Puff puff, give. Puff puff give. You’re fuckin’ up the rotation.”

“No sugar!? Damn! Y’all ain’t never got two things that match. Either ya got Kool-Aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn!”

“I know you don’t smoke weed, I know this, but I’m gonna get you high today, ‘cause it’s Friday; you ain’t got no job...and you ain’t got shit to do!”

“You got to be a stupid mother fucker to get fired on you day off!”

“Miss Jackson just don’t know!”

“You got knocked the fuck out!”

100 Years...100 Movie Quotes....100 Trivial Objections

I’ve been meaning to write about American Film Institute’s 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes for quite some time. It was on TV last month. I didn’t watch it because, well, have you seen one of those AFI specials? I have read their list of 100 quotes though and as futile as it may be I will pick it apart starting now.

With this post I will submit some alternate quotes from the movies that were represented by their list. The quotes that made their list are in blue. My comments are in black followed by alternate suggestions in red.

Gone With the Wind

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

After all, tomorrow is another day!

As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.

The “don’t give a damn” quote is number one on their list. No surprise there. I’ll give them that one. The other two are memorable, but these two stick out in my memory more:

"Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war. This war talk’s spoiling all the fun at every party this spring."

“You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.”

The Godfather Trilogy

I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

These two are classics, no doubt. The first quote is from the original and the second quote from the sequel. I could list a hundred Godfather quotes, but I’ll keep it narrowed down to two quotes from the original and one each from the two sequels:

“Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.”

"No Sicilian can refuse any request on his daughter's wedding day."

"I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart."

“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

The Wizard of Oz

Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

There's no place like home.

I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

Good stuff from one of my favorite movies ever, but I’d like to add perhaps the gayest quote from this gayest of all gay movies:

"Of course some people do go both ways."

Casablanca

Here's looking at you, kid.

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'

Round up the usual suspects.

We’ll always have Paris.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

All of them great, here are a few more...

“Was that cannon fire--or is my heart pounding?”

“I’m not interested in politics. The problems of the world are not in my department. I’m a saloon keeper.”

“I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.”

“If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.”

Apocalypse Now

I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

Why not add the rest of this quote?

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like…victory."

White Heat

Made it, Ma! Top of the world!

I love this movie. My favorite line is when Cagney threatens one of his cronies with:

"If that battery is dead, it’ll have company."

The Silence of the Lambs

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

This one gets a lot of attention but not so much for the actual words, but more so for the noise Anthony Hopkins makes after delivering the line. This quote is better as far as a representation of the movie:

“I’m having an old friend for dinner.”

Midnight Cowboy

I'm walking here! I'm walking here!

That’s a memorable line for sure. I was aware of it and used it before I had ever seen the movie. Again, this one is more representational of the movie:

“I ain’t a for real cowboy, but I am one helluva stud!”

A Few Good Men

You can't handle the truth!

I’ve seen A Few Good Men countless times. It is a guilty pleasure for me. As a matter of fact, it’s such a guilty pleasure that I’m going to include a quote from Tom Cruise in my batch of A Few Good Men quotes:

“You got authorization from Aunt Jenny?”

“I eat breakfast three hundred yards from four thousand Cubans who are trained to kill me, so don’t think for one second, you can come down here, flash your badge, and make me nervous.”

“Don’t I feel like a fucking asshole?”

When Harry Met Sally

I’ll have what she’s having.

Once a quote becomes larger than the movie, my interest in that quote is diminished…with a few exceptions. This isn’t one of those exceptions though. Here are two of my favorite When Harry Met Sally quotes:

“There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance. You’re the worst kind: you’re high maintenance, but you think you’re low maintenance.”

“No, you did not have great sex with Sheldon. A Sheldon can do your income tax. If you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man.”

Field of Dreams

If you build it, he will come.

This is one of my favorite movies of all time and “If you build it…” is certainly one of those movie quotes that people use even if they haven’t seen the movie. Just for the hell of it, here’s the famous James Earl Jones speech from the movie:

“The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers, been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again, but baseball has marked the time. This field, this game is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good and could be again.”

A League of Their Own

There's no crying in baseball!

Fine, but how about this one…

“Lord, hallowed be thy name. May our feet be swift, may our bats be mighty, and may our balls be plentiful.”

Annie Hall

La-dee-da, la-dee-da.

This is my favorite movie ever. Sit back because this might take a while…

“I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That’s the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.”

“We need the eggs."

“I don’t want to live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.”

“Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.”

“Everything our parents said was good, was bad: sun, red meat, milk, college.”

“I can’t get with any religion that advertises in the back of Popular Mechanics.”

“I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

“I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.”

“My Grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy being raped by the Cossacks.”

“That was the most fun I’ve ever had without laughing.”

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with somebody I love.”

“Why don’t you get William F. Buckley to kill the spider?”

“A relationship, I think is--is like a shark. You know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies, and I think what we got on our hands here is a dead shark.”

“I forgot my mantra.”

Dr. Strangelove

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!

Another one of my favorite movies and here’s a couple additions:

“Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops... uh, depending on the breaks.”

“Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!”

Chinatown

Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.

This is three of my top 10 movies in a row, so you know I’m going to have some more suggestions on this one:

“You’ve got a nasty reputation, Mr. Gittes. I like that.”

“Politicians, ugly buildings, and whores all get respectable if they last long enough.”

“See, Mr. Gittes, most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and the right place they are capable of anything.”

“I don’t get tough with anyone, Mr. Gittes. My lawyer does.”

“She’s my daughter! She’s my sister! My daughter! My sister!”

Airplane!

Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious…and don't call me Shirley.

Here comes the deluge:

“Oh, stewardess. I speak jive.”

“Chump don’t want no help, chump don’t get no help. Jive ass-dude don’t got no brains anyhow.”

“Alright, get me Ham on five, hold the Mayo.”

“Ever been in a cockpit before?”

“You ever seen a grown man naked?”

“Joey, do you ever hang around a gymnasium?”

“Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”

“Joey, have you ever been inside a Turkish prison?”

“There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who know how to fly a plane?

"First time?"
“No. I’ve been nervous lots of times.”

“Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon, Many Motta.”

“Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?”
“Well, I’m two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.”

“I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, guts. Why, Ted Striker’s got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!”

“I am serious. And stop calling me Shirley.”

“I haven’t seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.”

“Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It’s just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.”

“I can make a hat, or a broach, or a pterodactyl.”

“Oh, it’s a big pretty, white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows, and wheels. It looks like a big Tylenol.”

“No thank you. I take it black... like my men.”

Okay, I’ll stop this post here. I could list a ton from both Animal House and Caddyshack, but that would take forever. The next post will be movie quotes from movies that didn’t make the AFI’s list.

Meeting Characters Is Easy